I wrote this in September 2001. I'd announced that I was transitioning by this point, my flat mate at the time, Kate, had decided to move out because it was all a bit wierd for her.

After I wrote this, I moved back to my old work at Footy Tipping Software after forseeing problems at Kestral (they wanted me to use the disabled toilets, which were in the foyer of where several other companys had their receptions, I couldn't be bothered arguing and had a good offer from my previous employer), I went full time and I found myself a flat to live in by myself in St Kilda East.

How to feel down, in one easy lesson. Mix a bit of transgenderism, some stress from work, stress from the volunteer organization you have to do a magazine for, a pinch of guilt from what you may do to the kids' lives, add a touch of rejection from a potential flatmate, bake for 30 minutes on three beers.

What's there to feel depressed about? I mean Kate moving out wasn't all your fault. It's not like you want to be what you are. Why be unhappy about something you can't change?

It's hard. It's getting harder. There is yet harder stuff to come. I wont have the support I would like. Friends aren't going to be there to help me when things go bad. I know a lot of friends says that they will be, but they will either be too involved with there own lives, or it'll all be too weird for them (or they'll be too far away, J ).

I can only rely on myself. That's all I have. I must be strong, galvanised for the purpose. I need only myself.

My family won't be there. I know that they wish that it wasn't happening, and they would try to convince me otherwise. But I will not be swayed, because I know this is what I need. It's always easier to take the easy road, to just “wait a little longer”. It hasn't helped in the past, and it won't help now. Indeed, I will only get more depressed than I have been, and that would be very dangerous.

So, what must I do?

I must hope for the best. Look for the best in people. Don't expect anyone to do any favours for me. I have to deal with my own problems by myself, and attempt to help other people come to terms with what I am putting them through.

How does that relate to getting a place to live?

I will have to find my own place to live. By myself. There is really no other option. It's the fastest way, but probably the hardest.

What will I need?

Courage. Desperation. Determination. Patience. And above all else? Strength. I need inner strength, that thing that can be so elusive. I must dredge it out. Prop myself up. Get on with the job at hand.

Tuesday, 25 September 2001

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